Epic Adventures of Factual Characters

Meet Diet Coke.  He's the cool kid on campus these days.  Everyone seems to love him.  Male or female, married or single, rich or democrat.  He's just such a trendy guy lately.  I mean really, who hasn't put their lips on him?  He's just that great!

 

What many of you may not know, is where is Diet Coke comes from.  Much like the American Kennedy, Walton, or Buffet families; the Coke lineage has many notable figures who, in my opnion, deserve more recognition.  Many from the Coke family tree, spent time with famous celebrities, infamous dictators, presidents, kings, and Whoopi Goldberg. 

As far back as I've been able to trace,   in 1886, Coca-Cola became the FIRST from the Coke line to gain public attention. 

For some, Coca-Cola pushed the proverbial envelope to new limits.  For one, he was the FIRST person to hyphenate his name.  (Liberal feminists still do this today).  Coca-Cola was also the FIRST not to wear pants.  Notice his "barely there" covering. 

No one really knows what ever happened to Coca-Cola.  There are many theories. Some say he was kidnapped for ransom by Colombian drug lords. 

Others believe his remains were melted down and used to make Benjamin Franklin's popular spectacles. (This explanation has been debunked because B.Franklin was born in 1706, 100 years before Coca-Cola was a twinkle in a capitalist's eye)

  In fact, did you know that the song "Message in a Bottle" written by The Police was actually a dedicatory hymnal to the late Coca-Cola?

For most of the 20th century, the Coke family never made many great strides.  That is until 1980 when a movie director named Jamie Uys hired perhaps one of the sexiest of the Coke family and starred her in a role in the smash hit The Gods Must be Crazy. 

Let's enjoy a popular clip from this movie:

This was the actress's only movie role due to the fact that at the end of the movie, she was thrown off the edge of a cliff.  Obviously a lot has changed since 1980.  We can't just kill our Hollywood stars anymore.  Pfft... stupid political correctness.  

In the 1990's another famous coke came onto the scene.  Tyra Coke!

She had her own TV show for a while, but it sucked.  Who cares where she is nowadays?

In closing, let's all pay homage to our current love affair with Diet Coke.  He just celebrated his 31st birthday this year, but his popularity seems to grow and grow.  Especially with the exponential outbreak of obesity in America.  Diet Coke makes the fattest amongst feel that much skinnier. 

Have a lovely day y'all.